klcthebookworm

Previous Installments

Introduction, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Outline for Mission on Mimban

What Happens in the Chapter

The Coway are nice enough to delay the party until Luke has dried out. Large platters of exotic-looking foods were passed around a series of concentric circles around the pond. The visitors were entertained by endless dancing. Halla points out what is safe for humans to eat and that only steers the Yuzzem wrong a couple of times. Luke complains to himself about the taste of some of the edible food, but it's fresh and he's starved for that after the concentrates. Leia enjoys the dancing display and admits that she found her way to the Rebellion looking for creative vitality. These two crazy kids are having a moment™ when Luke has a reaction™.

Suddenly his hand opened as if he'd been shot. The pink bulb fell to the ground as Luke stood bolt upright, eyes open and staring. The Princess rose, tried to make something of the gaping expression on his face.
...
"He's coming," he murmured, every letter resounding. "He's near, very near."
"Luke boy, you'd better start making some sense or I'll have Hin hold you down and feed you dipills," Halla said. "Who's coming?"
"There was a stirring," Luke whispered by way of reply. "A profound disturbance in the Force. I've felt it before, weakly. I felt it most strongly when Ben Kenobi was killed."

Leia finally gives a name before Halla makes good on her threats, Lord Darth Vader, a dark lord of the Sith.

A Coway courier runs into the assembly shouting his story. One of the three chiefs tells the Coway what's going on and panic seizes the crowd. The chief then comes over and explains the situation to Halla. "Humans are coming. Hard-shelled humans. Down the main passage from the surface. The way we came in." Leia questions Halla as to how the Imperials found them so quickly (answering my question on how easy is the trail to spot from way back in Chapter Seven), and Luke finally hypothesizes the Force did it. Vader has more experience and if Luke can sense Vader, the opposite is probably true.

The Coway chiefs look to Luke, since he defeated their champion he is the greatest warrior present. Leia's all for fighting, pointing out that the Coway took down two Yuzzem with just their spears and axes and that the Coway have the home field advantage. Luke isn't convinced and tries to tell the Coway to negotiate with the Imperials. The Coway won't; they recognize an invasion force when they see one. Leia points out that they have to fight Vader because he won't stop chasing them. Halla puts in that they've said they are different from the mining officials, now they have to show the Coway they meant what they said.

Luke finally agrees to fight and is admiring the Coway warriors preparations for fighting back. They are experienced warriors. They outfit themselves. Hin hands his heavy energy rifle to Leia since he prefers the enormous axe the Coway offered him. Luke is given a pistol that Halla and the Yuzzem had brought into the cave system. They take positions. Coway started to vanish before Luke's eyes, moving, jumping, secreting themselves where no hiding place seemed possible. They disappeared into crevices and cracks, into the ground, slipped into holes in the cave ceiling, froze behind false flowstone curtains. While taking cover behind a bulwark of striped travertine, Leia makes Luke promise to kill her if it looks like Vader's going to take them prisoner. Luke mumbles his agreement and then they are hushed by a Coway warrior and Halla.

Numerical superiority means nothing in this fight. The advance Imperial stormtrooper scouts are taken out and their weapons given to the ones who use them (Luke and Leia), the rest march into the kill zone three and four abreast. The Coway also use sound and echoes to add to their attack. Halla and Kee in one spot fire into the crowd of stormtroopers while Luke and Leia do the same from their cover. Once the Coway are mingled with the Imperial troops, Luke charges in with his lightsaber and Leia goes with him. Luke blocks a shot from behind with the lightsaber. Luke yells for Vader's attention from where he is on the sidelines, and the Lord of the Sith ignites his red lightsaber and strides into the fray, cutting his way toward Luke. Leia meanwhile finds a new high perch.

Grammel sends ten stormtroopers to the high ground in the tunnel. They reach the summit of the small ridge and just when they were lining up their weapons on the crowd below, Hin and his Coway pals drop on them from the cavern ceiling above. No Imperial survivors. Vader realizes the way the battle is going and calls for the retreat without having reached Luke. The Coway do not let all that many retreat as their reserve forces come into play now, dropping stalactites and nets onto the Imperials.

Leia takes her shot at Vader and hits him, but not hard enough to do lasting damage.

A powerful beam of energy struck him in the side, sent him spinning to the ground. Leia smiled. Her joy turned to disappointment when she looked back through the blunt telescopic sight.
Vader had rolled over and was beating at the smoke issuing from his left side. There was a gaping hole in his protective cloak and the black armor beneath it had been partly melted away. But the full force of the energy bolt had missed him.

Vader appears to stare straight at her, but does nothing else before turning and heading back up to the surface. Leia climbs back down to find the Coway killing the wounded and Luke rather distraughtly trying to stop them. She finds this behavior almost human, and tries to encourage him to find the rest of their group and celebrate the victory. "There's nothing here I want to celebrate," he tells her before leaving the scene of the battle.

What I Liked

The worldbuilding on the Coway is fascinating. I'd like to see a New Republic anthropologist do a professional study of their culture. And I do appreciate the reminder of alien biochemistries can't all eat the same things.

Luke sensing Vader through the Force is well done. I got shivers. Good job, Foster.

Leia finally sounds like herself as she concentrates on more Imperial atrocities. "Using energy weapons on primitive sentients," she muttered in outrage. "Another gross violation of the original Imperial charter. Another reason for the Alliance to fight on."

"Don't you two ever shut up? Hush now, children ... company's coming." No, they don't, Halla, and they pick the worst possible moments to act just like children. I fully expect for Halla to find an audience whenever Luke Skywalker's and Leia Organa Solo's names hit the HoloNet for something heroic and newsworthy and say "Let me tell you about the time those two almost got themselves killed while mud wrestling on Imperial controlled world!"

Oh I like the detail given when Luke deflects blaster bolts.

Without realizing it, he then swung blindly backward. The blue of his saber intersected a beam fired point-blank at him by an Imperial rifle.
Turning, he barely had time to utter a silent thanks to Ben Kenobi. The trooper was so shocked at the apparent coincidence of having his shot blocked that he didn't react in time. Thinking something had to be wrong with his weapon, he readjusted it to compensate for the imaginary fault. As he swung it upwards again Luke jabbed him through the sternum.

All that practicing with Ben's remote is paying off!

What I Found Problematic

No mention is made while Luke is drying his clothes by the bonfire and getting dressed again of what Leia and Halla are doing. I really hope it's not ogling Luke, as tempting as it is.

Leia's Rebellion journey, wow am I glad Foster's version didn't stick.

"[The Empire]'s art has grown as decadent as the government. Both suffer from a lack of creative vitality. That's what originally drew me to the Alliance, not politics. Politically, I was probably almost as naive as you."
"I don't quite see," he said drily.
"When I was living in my father's palace, I was utterly bored, Luke. Examination of why I found nothing entertaining led me to discover how the Empire had stifled any original thought. Long-established totalitarian governments fear any kind of free expression. A sculpture can be a manifesto, a manuscripted adventure can double as a cry for rebellion. From corrupt aesthetics to corrupt politics was a smaller step than most people around me realized."

I appreciate what he's saying about art and do agree with the freedom of self-expression is important, but again word choices matter. My first impression when I read this bit:

Leia: "Daddy, I'm bored."
Bail sets down his datapad and looks at his pre-teen daughter. "I'm part of an alliance of rebellious cells that wishes to overthrow the Emperor and usher in a New Republic. Fitting payback since he morphed the Old Republic into his Empire. Do you want in?
Leia: "Sure, I don't have anything better to do."

That the Empire puts hard limits on artistic expression to curb rebellious sympathies, I have no problem believing and it's a good observation. It just needs more tweaking to be believable from Leia, Imperial Senator and Rebel spy and now is taking the lead in a diplomatic mission to get systems to join the Rebellion. Politics has always been her thing.

Word choices, Foster. We have had this discussion before.

"What do you expect," he mumbled, laughing at himself, "from an untutored country boy?"
"I think," the Princess responded softly, not looking at him, "that for an untutored country boy, you're one of the most sophisticated men I know."

I'm all for finally paying Luke a compliment here, Leia. He carried your butt out of the lake, but no sophisticated is not the word to use. I think sincere is a good one for Luke, but not the comparison he started off with. Maybe wisest?

Alright Vader's on Mimban, now it's epically exciting! Wait, where's the pinch point scene in which we are treated to the Imperial pissing contest that Grammel is in no shape to ever win? It doesn't exist. Why doesn't it exist? Let me back up and explain. Both Pinch Points, which are set between the Plot Points, are times to see the antagonist's power and to remind the reader what the protagonist is up against. When I'm composing a story that has multiple points of view, this is where I make certain to have the antagonist's POV scenes. You're not limited to that, but you have to show the threat the antagonist is to the protagonist. That's why I identified Luke and Leia's meeting with Grammel as the First Pinch Point. They see how brutal he is and he wants the Kaiburr crystal. The Midpoint is Luke and Leia breaking out of the prison and destroying Imperial headquarters in their wake. But the last time we saw Grammel was when he was getting stitched back together. Good scene, but it didn't "bring the antagonist force front and center to foreshadow the coming Third Plot Point and to break up the remained of the Second Act." (5 Secrets of Story Structure by K.M. Weiland) It didn't give the reader anything to truly fear, just a "damn Luke missed that a-hole" moment.

Now what if instead the exposition while our gang of protagonists is traveling, we have a scene of how Grammel's search for them is interrupted by Lord Vader's arrival on Mimban. Grammel makes a worse impression on Vader than he did on Governor Essada and now they're both working together to find the Rebels. Then readers go back to the wandrella attack and Luke and Leia's cave hike with mounting dread because they know something the characters don't. The battle with Vader and the stormtroopers versus the Coway and Luke and Leia is more the Third Plot Point because their victory is a hollow one and Vader is heading straight to the Kaiburr crystal.

And once again Threepio is RIGHT THERE not translating anything for the Coway. Over six million forms of communication, and all he does is try to turn himself off in the droid equivalent of a faint when he hears Vader is coming.

Oh, I found the steel kitten description that Blue Milk Special made fun of. "Swear it!" she demanded, her voice that of a steel kitten. I'm having trouble with this metaphor. Kittens make adorable sounds, metal does not. Kitten also does not symbolize fierceness and Leia is asking for Luke to kill her if this all goes south rather than face Imperial imprisonment again.

What Changes in My Fic

Concentrates versus ration bars: I think I'm bringing back ration bars. There's just something too Jetsons Space Age about one pill keeping you fed for several hours, even though I appreciate the work Foster put into creating them.

The art comparison is a perfect one for Mara to make. Raised in the Imperial Court in the heart of Coruscant, trained in dance as her cover but it and music for dancing were probably the one fun thing she was allowed once her training began in earnest, she has the technical expertise and the Force Sensitivity to figure out what is different between the Coways' dance and the Imperial ballet corps. She wants to dance with the Coway to combine their moves with the ones she was taught. Will she get the chance? Will she take the chance?

Vader or not to Vader: To be honest, I had thought about leaving Vader out of my version of this story despite his pose on the cover art. Grammel is the big bad at the beginning, so I was considering ways he could continue being the big bad all the way through. Or if he absolutely couldn't, make concrete the more Emperor's Hands with a new character taking Vader's spot to get rid of Luke Skywalker once and for all. But since Foster neglected to give Vader his proper due, I'm back to wanting him. And it will do Anakin some good to be rejected by Luke three times in the series. Trust me.

Plot events time. Helping Writers Become Authors further explains this breakdown. I've added in the scenes in between the eight critical scenes, so I hope it's easier to see where the story broke format to its detriment.

Hook 1% mark = Crashing onto Mimban
Set-up 1% - 12% =
- Reuniting Leia and Threepio with Luke and Artoo,
- Leia sinking in quickclay,
- hiking and camping
Inciting Event 12% mark = Finding the Imperial mining outpost
Build-up 12% - 25% =
- Disguising as miners,
- Ordering food in the tavern,
- Discovered and Luke lies to Imperial
1st Plot Point 25% mark = Luke and Leia agree to find the Kaiburr crystal with Halla
Reaction to 1st Plot Point 25% - 37% =
- Mud-wrestling,
- Fight with miners,
- Captured by stormtroopers
1st Pinch Point 37% mark = Meeting with Grammel
Realization 37% - 50% =
- Grammel talks with Essada,
- Luke and Leia meet Yuzzem,
- Halla finds them
Midpoint or 2nd Plot Point 50% mark =
- Prison break,
- Blowing up Imperial headquarters
Action 50% - 62% =
- Stealing the crawler,
- Grammel's medical care,
- Wandrella chase,
- Lake monster fight,
- Coway attack,
- Canu's judgment fight,
- Coway feast
2nd Pinch Point 62% mark
Renewed Push 62% - 75% = Coway prep for battle
3rd Plot Point 75% mark = The battle with Vader and the stormtroopers
Recovery
Climax Begins 88% mark
Confrontation
Climactic Moment 98% mark
Resolution