Mission on Mimban Six

[klcthebookworm]

Previous Installments

Introduction, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Outline for Mission on Mimban

What Happens in the Chapter

We have made it to Chapter Six. This novel only has twelve chapters, so normally I'd say we would find the midpoint (the centerpiece of your entire story which must feature a revelation that gives your protagonist new insight into the plot and allows him to shift from the reaction of the first half of the story and into action in the second half How to Structure Your Story's Outline (How to Outline for NaNoWriMo Pt. 7)) in this chapter. But pacing has been dragging, so I make no promises of finding it here.

Luke and Leia are escorted to the maximum security holding cell by a subofficer and some stormtroopers. Luke takes the time before reaching the cell to complain about the Empire being too cheap to build a proper headquarters. Leia picks up on that, and gets offended that this building was a temple turned into offices and a prison. They're shoved into the cell with angled bars "as big around as Luke forearm" and the Imperials leave, laughing at their trepidation. The piles of fur wake up. Leia is frightened of the huge creature that stands up, but Luke is more surprised and greets the Yuzzem in what he knows of their language. Hin and Kee are delighted to make friends with a human who understands them. They had gotten themselves roped into Imperial enslavement and ended up on Mimban, protested their treatment, and only got documents waved in their faces and jokes made of them. So they got drunk, took the equipment, and started filling in the mine. Grammel didn't have them shot because they each do the work of three men and they were drunk.

Grammel comes down with several stormtroopers, visibly relieved that the Yuzzem have not torn Luke and Leia apart. If everyone is getting along, there's no reason to move them out of the safest cell they have. Grammel lets slip that an Imperial Governor has taken an interest in them, and Leia has a panic attack from her experience on the Death Star. Grammel recognizes that she has undergone Imperial interrogation before, but Luke won't tell them who they really are. Grammel pitches a fit and threatens Leia, and Kee grabs Grammel by the throat. He takes a stun blast to the side which scorches his fur and Hin attacks the bars when he can't reach Grammel. Unfortunately, the bars hold. Grammel insults the Yuzzem while he speaks to Luke. Hin hocks a well-aimed loogie and it hits Grammel on the back of the neck.

Hin comes back to Luke and Leia after Grammel leaves. Leia fainted from the fear of going through interrogation again. She comes to and apologizes for losing control. Luke promises she won't undergo another session. Food comes through a hole in the stone walls rather than the barred door. After eating, Luke finally takes a look around with a mind of how to break the hell out. The cell entry control is a "recessed photo-sensitive switch" down the corridor out of arms-reach of everyone in the cell. Once Luke decides that's the weak point of the security system, Halla confirms it from the cell window.

Once they have caught up on what Grammel now knows and Hin and Kee have offered to get them out of the building if Halla breaks them out of the cell, Halla uses the Force to levitate one of the food trays to cover the switch. She can't make it all the way and implores Luke to help her. He does and Obi-Wan Kenobi's voice gives him pointers. They get the cell door open, Hin and Kee take off with Leia nearly right behind them, while Luke gets directions on where to meet the droids and Halla once they're outside. Leia drags Luke out of the cell, and then they have to stop rampaging Yuzzem. They get weapons, Kee destroys the communications center, Hin presents Luke with his lightsaber, and they finally bolt for the main entrance.

What I Liked

I'm not pleased with Leia getting indignant over the misuse of architecture and not indignant over the abuse of the Mimbanites, but it leads to a great dig at an Imperial.

"I am told this mining is an expensive venture. The Empire is smart enough to save where it is able," he concluded with pride.

"That probably extends to your pay and retirement benefits," the Princess ventured maliciously.

Yes, I must find a way to keep that in. Despite the Rebels having no room to talk about using abandoned temples as headquarters.

I adore Hin and Kee's drunken plan to get back at the Imperials, fill in the mine. It had no chance and they were stopped, but it has symmetry. It also makes me think these two are actually younger than Luke and Leia, teenagers for their species rather than young adults.

Halla is a bad-ass. To get back in touch with her new partners, she stood "on a ledge about ten centimeters wide, over a forty-meter-deep trench" after passing a barrier that "would detect any energy weapons or explosives". We're not told how high up the ziggurat the window is.

The narration does not tell us the voice speaking to Luke is Ben, but really who else could it be?

Luke shut his own eyes and tried to concentrate only on the tray, ignoring the cell, the Princess, everything but that floating flat plane of formed metal. A familiar voice seemed to remind him of something.

"Don't try so hard, Luke," the voice said. "Remember how I taught you. Relax, relax, let the Force work through you. Don't try to force the Force."

That voice is not coming from Halla; she's too busy concentrating on the tray. And I would think you'd need some awareness of the surroundings in order to successfully levitate an object. This won't do them any good if the tray goes against the wall and doesn't cover the photo-sensor cell.

Leia closes the bars again and slips the tray back inside to make any of the stormtroopers following them nervous over what they are capable of.

"Decommissioned troopers" is a euphemism for dead stormtroopers. I don't know why they thought that was better, since the phrase comes up after Luke and Leia catch up to the Yuzzem and find Hin using a droid as a club to beat a soldier to a pulp and both were "coming apart at roughly the same rate."

What I Found Problematic

Subofficer is not given a rank, so I'm assuming he gets a snazzy Imperial uniform and not stormtrooper armor like the chatty sergeant of the last two chapters (who is also referred to as a noncom which means a noncommissioned officer). I don't see why we had to change characters here or why his rank isn't given. Thirteen pages later we learn the subofficer's name is Puddra. Maybe he is in charge of the prison? That makes sense, but why didn't we get his name when he was introduced?

I admit it's probably due to the current political climate and journalists being too feckless to actually name what things are, but I find myself with no patience for weasley words chosen by Foster or put in the mouths of the characters. "They signed themselves into--well, I guess you couldn't call it slavery, but indentured servitude is too polite a term." NAME WHAT IT IS! Both of these terms have definitions and differences. Commit to what happened to these characters. That the Imperials lied to them is a given, both of these option (or option number three) are equally horrific and worth revolting over when the Imperials are the ones in power, so make a damn decision and say what it is! And if someone in Editorial is kicking a fuss about slavery in this book, this isn't the way to have it but not have it too. You are not fooling anyone, Foster.

The trained diplomat is frightened by tall, furry aliens. I could accept that the trained diplomat is nervous and really wants the protocol droid that knows over six million forms of communication present now to help her with a species she doesn't know. I'm having a harder time with the fear from Princess Leia "Will someone get this walking carpet out of my way?" Organa, Senator of Alderaan.

We have a brief moment of regret for the choices they have made on this planet.

"If we hadn't lost control of ourselves back in front of the tavern, we wouldn't have attracted the attention of those miners. We wouldn't be here now. It's my fault."

He put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "Come on, Leia... Princess. This mess was nobody's fault. Besides, it's fun losing control once in a while."

No, no, no, no, no. This mess is equally BOTH your faults for being idiots on an IMPERIAL CONTROLLED WORLD. Leia was immature by kicking Luke into the mud, Luke was equally immature pulling her into the mud, and you both have bounties on your heads. Yes, you should take some time to reflect just how badly you screwed up then and how badly you are screwing up NOW. What the hell are you doing dropping titles and Rebellion affiliations where the cell security can pick it up?!

"You grinning travesty of a man." That is a weak-ass insult, Grammel. I expected better of an Imperial who just threatened to dismember the woman that Governor Essada was interested in. The Yuzzem are not men.

How does Hin recognize the lightsaber as Luke's? Does it carry Luke's scent? Luke hasn't called himself a Jedi as far as we know.

What Changes in My Fic

Star Wars: The Essential Guide to Alien Species by Ann Margaret Lewis had a better reason for Luke knowing Yuzz: a Yuzzem lived in Anchorhead and Luke made friends with him. This is the backstory reason I'm going with rather than "I studied a lot of worlds back on Tatooine" reason Foster came up with.

Hin and Kee's backstory won't change much except I'm going with option three: alien trafficking. These two Yuzzem kids were approached and promised a well paying job, a chance to send credits back home which probably isn't doing so great under Imperial rule. Then they get to Mimban and they are paid, but everything is being docked from their paychecks. The flight to Mimban, their return flight home whenever they fulfill their contract, food, lodging, any equipment they break because it's designed for humans not Yuzzem until there is nothing left to save. They are free to leave once their contract is fulfilled or they pay to get out of it. Hah, hah, you can't pay. There you go, exploitation without slavery.

I have to decide on Puddra's rank, but I'm making him the ranking officer over the prisoners like a warden.

Overall, the prison break is decent, if a bit talky in spots. My problem is there would be less for Halla to do because Luke and Mara both are in training and levitating the tray should occur to them without outside prompting. Also, I'm not sure this qualifies as the midpoint but I'm putting it there unless a later scene makes a more compelling case.

Plot events time. Helping Writers Become Authors further explains this breakdown.

• Hook 1% mark = Crashing onto Mimban
• Set-up 1% - 12%
• Inciting Event 12% mark = Finding the Imperial mining outpost
• Build-up 12% - 25%
• 1st Plot Point 25% mark = Luke and Leia agree to find the Kaiburr crystal with Halla
• Reaction to 1st Plot Point 25% - 37%
• 1st Pinch Point 37% mark = Meeting with Grammel
• Realization 37% - 50%
• Midpoint or 2nd Plot Point 50% mark = Prison break
• Action 50% - 62%
• 2nd Pinch Point 62% mark
• Renewed Push 62% - 75%